Military Spouse's Embracing the Three C's of Retirement: Celebration, Commencement, Compassion
by Dr. Krista Wells, The Military Spouse Coach®
Celebration
My husband had been in the reserves before he retired from the Marine Corp. This transition differed from those transitioning from active-duty service, but we still celebrated his twenty-year commitment. Every military family should celebrate their family's shared accomplishments; you all earned it! You supported someone who served this great nation and deserve recognition as much as they do for being by their side. Your service member would not have been as successful as they were without your support, so honor all that you have done. As you hear their accolades, know the accolades are for you as well. Many seasoned spouses that I spoke with about retirement tips reminded me to take it all in because the final days happen quicker than we think. These spouses explained that it's important to soak in the moment, take lots of photos, embrace the speeches, and remind each other that you will thrive as you broach life's next chapter.
Discuss your post-military-life expectations together over a cup of coffee or tea: the celebration, the commencement, and how you see your new roles unfolding in different ways. Let's start with the party and go from there. Some military personnel have shared they celebrated while simultaneously complying with social distancing requirements, and others shared they are postponing their retirement party. Do what works best for your service member. Some people prefer more informal acknowledgements and some spouses have a vision of a larger celebration. Coordinate with your spouse's work, as some commands do more than others and you can balance that out. One reserve spouse shared that she was disappointed with how little was done for her spouse when he retired, so she hosted a big family to-do. Some prefer a small ceremony on base, whereas other prefer a party atmosphere. Think about what is most special and remember that special doesn't have to include expensive invitations that no one will remember. A small ceremonious brunch coupled with more money in the savings may make everyone happier, so talk it out. Big or small, your family's commitment and sacrifice should be honored.
Commencement
Commencement is about honoring your service member's past accomplishments as well as co-creating new beginnings that include you. Remember that commencement means a new “beginning.” You are used to moving and being flexible, but this time you can apply that adaptability skill into a meaningful pursuits. Some seasoned spouses shared this required some candid conversations regarding role clarity, work expectations, etc. Because you may think you are going to work part-time and your spouse thinks that now you are going to run out and find a six-figure job, so it's a great time to discuss expectations. One spouse shared that she didn't mind doing housework during a deployment but when her spouse retired they had to renegotiate tasks. Along with the difficult conversations, keep in mind that retirement is an amazing opportunity for couples to grow closer.
Try and focus on what is ahead versus what is being left behind as your spouse transitions from military life to civilian life. Even if you were once underemployed due to multiple military moves, now is a great time to combine your values, transferable skills, and career interests and land a job with adequate compensations. You might want to discuss new financial habits such as making automatic contributions into your savings, retirement, and even spouse IRA accounts depending on your situation. Don't be afraid to seek assistance.
Some working military spouses are ready to cut back, and some spouses are ready to work more. Discuss expectations, but don't underestimate your military life experience if you want to work. If you were working, you were doing so with added life stress. If you weren't working formally, you were likely volunteering and skill building. Leverage that and reframe “I haven't really worked” to “I have some great experience to offer a company.”
A navy military spouse, Sam, shared a tip on how she transitioned into a job upon her spouse's retirement in Oklahoma. Upon arrival, she networked with a non-profit that aligned with her values, transferable interests, and broad volunteer work experience that she had obtained during her spouse's navy career. She had volunteered first at Red Cross and then at Girls Inc., the Navy-Marine Corps Relief Society (NMCRS), and her Military Family Readiness department, just to name a few! She got an operations manager position at a children's museum where she now trains interns, volunteers, and staff. She worked there for many years and then coupled the depth of her current job with the breath of her past understanding of non-profits to apply to be a Regional Program Manager for the Red Cross's Supporting America's Military and Veteran (SAF) division. As a career coach, I often see this full circle happening between a spouses initial volunteer interests and the dream job they find themselves in years later.
Another seasoned spouse shared that her spouse struggled more with his new civilian job than she had anticipated, and that is okay. Not everyone transitions the same way. He eventually learned to navigate his new company's less bureaucratic culture in a way that didn't just allow him to survive, but to thrive. He was able to reach out to other military peers and be coached on the civilian political savvy and business acumen he needed while still capitalizing on his military leadership skills. She said they supported her spouse with the particulars and she supported him with the behind-the-scenes frustrations and lack of confidence piece until it all came together. Her big tip for spouses just entering retirement was “have patience!” Don't feel like you have to have everything figured out overnight; it's a process and one that can be enjoyed. Take comfort in knowing that along with the difficult parts of transition, there will be things that are easier and those shouldn't be taken for granted. For example, you can kiss duty days, deployments, reintegration stress, healthcare hiccups, command crisis, and slow to arrive paychecks goodbye.
Compassion
The best changes in our lives are greeted with compassion. As you spend time and energy celebrating someone else's accomplishments, it's important to balance that enthusiasm with self-check ins. Just like during your spouse's military career, the best way to take care of others is to take care of yourself; this goes for retirement as well. Self-compassion is slightly different from self-care. Self-care is important and might involve giving yourself permission to sign up for that Saturday yoga class once you arrive at your retirement location; however, self-compassion is a mindset. Self-compassion is being okay with not having all of the boxes unpacked, not having interviewed for that new job yet, and giving yourself credit for doing the best that you can. One Army spouse told me that she moved back “home” and had imagined reconnecting with old friends and family. Shortly after she arrived, she realized that she'd outgrown some of these friendships and her mother became ill. She felt like she'd gone from chasing kids to now caring for her parent. She explained that although self-care recharged her batteries, being with her mom was what she needed to learn how to express self-compassion. She said she started keeping a checklist of daily accomplishments as a way to stop focusing on what wasn't getting done on her to-do list. She felt isolated not having other military spouses in her area to cope with this new hardship and realized that as much as she and her spouse were ready for a new chapter, there were parts of her old chapter that she really missed. My sister-in-law shared a similar experience when she got home from Okinawa. She missed the island, her connection to the military spouse community, and realized that she was adjusting to the geographical and emotional changes as much as he was. My brother-in-law retired and found meaningful work in the law field as she took a bit longer to find her way, and that is okay. She now uses her counseling degree, formal work experience, and passion for connecting with other women to coach individuals in work very similar to mine. It's important to be compassionate and not compare our family's journey to anyone else's. Wendy, a retired Navy Spouse who also volunteered for years, now works for a large military friendly employer. When I asked her to share a retirement tip or final sentiment, she echoed what several other's had ultimately shared: “Be sure you soak it all in…” and added something that I just loved, “Remind them there is life after the military, and it's a good one!”
Dr. Krista Wells is a certified professional coach dedicated to empowering military spouses. In her private practice, she focuses on improving her clients' health, increasing their wealth, and strengthening their relationships. In addition to her private clients, Krista offers keynote speeches, workshops for organizations and military bases, and writes for various military publications. She recently launched The Military Spouse Show podcast in an effort to expand her reach and connect with the broader military spouse community. Go to: www.militaryspousecoach.com for more information.
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