Conversations with The Boogieman-Part 2
by Carol Bowser
So is there a conversation that you are avoiding? A person who you limit your interactions with because they just bring out the worse in you or they are just too difficult to deal with? If your answer is “yes”, you have just identified your own personal Boogieman.
What makes these conversations so difficult is that you are actually negotiating with yourself. Do I have the conversation? Do I not? Is it worth the time? Is it worth the emotional investment? What if they freak out? How do I handle a freak out? You become awash in the “what if” and “how do I” to the point of sacrificing your own power and potentially compromising your values.
Here is what to do instead. Ground yourself.
In Conversations with the Boogieman Part 1, you learned the importance of managing your stress and engaging your executive function through your breath. You will build on that knowledge and prepare for the conversation by answering the following questions.
Start by taking a few quite moments before a meeting or phone call. You can even do this before sitting down to craft your professional goals for the year.
How am I feeling? Own it. You are a being that thinks and feels. Do not discount the importance of your emotional as well as physical being. For example, “I am a little nervous about this conversation. I want to create a good impression, yet I am tired and a little annoyed that I have to have this conversation at all.”
What am I trying to create? This is similar to the principle of “begin with the end in mind”. However, you are, being deliberate about the subjective as well as the objective elements of the conversation and the interpersonal relationship. For example, “I am trying to create a conversation where people feel comfortable and not threatened. I also want to feel that everyone including me has the time and opportunity to talk about what is important to them.” For this element, note that the goals can be very concrete such as “I want to create a client relationship where people can be direct and goal driven” rather than more emotive.
What will I do to support what you want to create? Here you will describe what actions you will take or what actions you will refrain from taking. For example, “I will tell the people what my goals for the conversation are at the outset and my intentions behind those goals. I will give the person(s) time to gather and express their thoughts and hold any questions until the other person(s) are done speaking.”
What outcome do I want? Think of all the outcomes; just list ONE you would like to see. Too often we have many, many outcomes in mind. “I want to convince the person to come to my point of view.” “I want them to like me.” “I want them to be as excited about the situation as I am.” Instead pick ONE. For example, “I want to provide them with something of value” or “I want a clear next step to take.”
What specific steps will you take? Now, Describe actions you will take to support the outcome. What will you specifically DO and specifically NOT do? Will you send out an agenda? Will you state your goal and intentions at the meeting? Will you ask if the person you are speaking with has the authority to give you what you are asking for? Will you refrain from interrupting people? This is your plan to execute the objective and subjective goals you are trying to achieve.
Try this process on for size. You will likely find that it allows you to be better tactically and emotionally prepared for the conversation. You may also find that the Boogieman is not as scary as you thought.
Organizations hire Conflict Management Strategies, Inc. to increase productivity by easing workplace conflict and tension, to train employees in conflict resolution skills, to evaluate internal conflict resolution processes, to coach key employees to higher levels of performance and to facilitate tangible change within the working environment.
Editor's note- this is the second in a series Carol is writing on which address challenging conversations. Conversations With The Boogieman-Part 1
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