In the Spirit of Cooperation
by Carol Bowser

It comes down to fairness.

When it comes down to it, everything is about values, respect, and fairness.  When we feel as though we are being professionally taken advantage of, it can get icky fast.  How can we maintain appropriate boundaries without coming across as rude or uncooperative?  I have a few thoughts…

As an entrepreneur and (former[1]) military spouse I strive to be accessible, responsive, and cooperative.  I am tempted to say, “I am more cooperative and collaborative if I have had  coffee.” But that would give the impression that the degree of cooperativeness is mood dependent. It is not.  It is deliberate.  It is strategic.  And it has its limits.

How do I know when I have hit may limit?  When it just doesn't feel fair.

Here is how my “fairness” meter works.  Reciprocity.  Are both sides are receiving a comparable benefit or burden?    

Caveat- there will be times when they or you are not in a position to fully reciprocate. For example, one of you is more “downstream than the other.”  This might result in one of you will be unlikely or very infrequently able to refer the other in because you are talking to people at different levels of the organization. 

What I am talking about is when someone is overburdening you or monopolizing your time and talents without any benefit to you.

So what do you do?

Set limits.  You can be kind and polite and firm.  Yes, you can. 

It can be as simple as:

“Given my current commitments, I can't deliver on what I have already promised and do this too.” 

Or

“What I can do is ….”  

Or

“Talking about the fight you had with your spouse this weekend is something more personal than I want to be involved with.  Let's bring the conversation back to work.”

“I will need you to calm down and open my office door before we can continue this conversation.”

Setting the parameters lets people know what is ok and what is not.  You do not want to fall into unhealthy coping behaviors - avoiding or enduring people who take advantage of your desire to be viewed as “nice” or “collaborative”.  Instead, think in terms of reciprocity and fairness.

Good luck.

 

Organizations hire Conflict Management Strategies, Inc. to increase productivity by easing workplace conflict and tension, to train employees in conflict resolution skills, to evaluate internal conflict resolution processes, to coach key employees to higher levels of performance and to facilitate tangible change within the working environment. 

Have a conflict-management question for Carol? Ask here. Your question/answer may be printed in a future issue.