Conversations with The Boogieman-Part 1
by Carol Bowser

Whether you are an employee or an entrepreneur, there comes a time when you have to have an uncomfortable conversation.  You know the one-just thinking about it makes your stomach upset. You start to worry.  Your body and your mind are sending out signals telling you not to go there.

Yet…

You also have a feeling that you need to go there.  Maybe it is renegotiating a price with a long term client because your pricing is way too low. Maybe it is telling a boss that his style for giving feedback just makes you shut down. Maybe it is just answering the question “tell me what you do?”  Everyone has some area that takes them outside of their comfort zone.

You can have the conversation anyway.  You may never feel completely at ease, yet you can appear willing to have the conversation.  Displaying a willingness to have the conversation along with a sense of calm can get you far.

Here is your first step-Breathe.

Simple isn't it?  Here is why you need to breathe.  When under stress, your body responds.  Stress hormone is released. You can't control this. It just happens.  Your heart rate increases. You can't directly control this either.  You start to breathe fast and shallow.  Your brain ceases rational thought and cannot engage in what is known as higher order thinking or “executive function.”

What is “executive function?”  Stuff like problem solving, negotiation, analytical thinking, reasoning, planning, and ability to access your working memory. All stuff you need-really need- to have working during those important conversations.

So you need to reverse your body's responses in order to reengage your executive function.  While you cannot control your heart rate, you can control your breathe.  Really.  I will prove it to you.

Hold your breath. Now breathe.

If you deliberately take deep slow breaths, your heart rate will slow and your stress response is interrupted allowing you to better engage.  Think the power of four. Four counts breathing in deeply filling your lungs from the bottom.  Four counts out slowly exhaling. Repeat four times.

This is not just a tactic for prepping for the conversation.  Utilizing slow, steady breathing during uncomfortable conversations will help you keep the pace of the conversations slower and give a less rushed and “I am so anxious I really want this to be done with” feel.  You appear more calm. You are calmer and ready to have that important conversation.

 

Organizations hire Conflict Management Strategies, Inc. to increase productivity by easing workplace conflict and tension, to train employees in conflict resolution skills, to evaluate internal conflict resolution processes, to coach key employees to higher levels of performance and to facilitate tangible change within the working environment. 

Editors note- this is the first in a series Carol is writing on which address challenging conversations.  Next time the importance of setting intentions. 

Have a conflict-management question for Carol? Ask here. Your question/answer may be printed in a future issue.