"The House is Messier and I Don't Care":
Wisdom from Return-to-Work Moms
by Carol Fishman Cohen, Co-founder, iRelaunch, Co-author, Back on the Career Track

Ten years ago when Vivian Steir Rabin and I were doing the research for our career reentry strategy book Back on the Career Track (Hachette, 2007, Amazon 2011),  we conducted over one hundred in-depth interviews to understand every detail about transitioning back to work after an extended career break. At the time, we focused primarily on moms returning to work after career breaks for child care reasons.  Both Vivian and I returned to work after our own career breaks home with children, but we didn't want to rely only on our experiences. The discussion of managing day to day logistics upon returning to work brought out excellent and sometimes humorous responses. From household cleanliness, to lack of personal time, to the realities of carpools and childcare, return-to-work moms give us frank and helpful advice.

1)    Household Cleanliness:

"My house is messier and I don't care!"

"You've got to let go of domestic perfection."

and

"I feel that if I am working, things that are undone at home really don't bother me as much. Like those pictures that have been leaning against the wall for the last two years that need to be hung."

The chorus of voices citing the lowering of household cleanliness standards came across loud and clear. When moms returned to work, they decided to be less picky about how clean their houses were and they were much happier for it.

    Another perspective:

"Since I went back the household stuff is definitely more out of control. Now we all rush out of the house at the same time, and there is no one to clean up the dishes and food left on the table. Beds are unmade. There's no one to go around and straighten up and clean. This is especially hard when my mother-in-law is visiting. She tends to judge me by how I keep or do not keep up the house."

2)    Meal preparation:

"I do a lot of Crock-Pot cooking. One night a week we have sandwiches for dinner.  One night a week we have what we call 'Sonoma Night'; a cold meal of with cheese, fruit, bread, boiled eggs, cold vegies, leftovers. We barbecue a lot. Sometimes the kids make dinner on their own with canned soup, frozen dinners and fresh fruit."

 "We have a lot of pasta for dinner now, or eggs, or even cereal and fruit when I can't get around to making anything."

3)    Childcare:

"I needed coverage from 4:45 to 6:00 pm every day, which was the gap between when the kids got home and when I got home.  I found two thirteen-and-a-half-year-old girls in my neighborhood who were best friends to provide this coverage.  They guaranteed that one of them would be available to cover this time slot every day. They were there, without fail, every afternoon for two years. I could never have done this without them."

4)    Carpools:

"We were in lots of carpools, and with six kids, both of us drove them. Our deal with the other parents was O'Briens would do the morning carpools, and other families would do the afternoon. Sometimes I'd be at a corner dropping off three of the kids, and I'd see Tom whizzing by with his car pool!" (Note: This quote is from Ruth Reardon O'Brien, Conan's mom, who has the most amazing relaunch success story from the 1970s. This quote was from an interview of Reardon O'Brien by Heather Peddie in an account originally for the Stanford Law School Women's Legal History Biography Project.  I also interviewed Ruth Reardon O'Brien.)

5)    How returning to work feels "in the moment" (quote from a relauncher one month before she went back):

"I'm feeling tremendous uncertainty, a tremendous urgency before I get everything in place before I start work again.  Now I'm realizing all the roles I really had. [We had a family meeting.] I told the kids they owed the family 30 minutes of helping-out time every day." Note: This relauncher has now been back at work for ten years.

6)    Time Management:

"What I sacrifice is personal time. My out-of-work peer relationships are gone. I never see my women friends anymore. Exercise is really reduced or gone. That's an okay trade-off for me right now. Some of my social needs are met at the office."

"It takes a monumentally important event for me to be out on a weeknight.  I say no to almost every evening request for my time, whether it be a fund-raising event, dinner with friends, or a college alumni get-together. I will admit I made an exception for the Paul McCartney concert!"

7)    Kids Gaining Independence

"We told the kids they were each responsible for making dinner one night a week. This included coming up with the ingredient list in time for our once a week grocery shopping trip on Sundays. It didn't matter if boiled pasta and water were being served, as long as something was planned. At first my seventh grade son balked, but he later became quite possessive of 'his' dinner night."

"...I was nervous about how they would manage without me. Fed up one morning, I decided to take...inaction. I stayed in bed and let the children run through the morning routine themselves. Well, the kids (ages 13 and 10) made their breakfasts and lunches themselves and left on their own.  It was a lesson to me. It was as if someone turned the light on. I realized that a 10 year old making her own breakfast and going to the bus by herself can be a good thing. She's developing competencies she wouldn't have developed if I were always around. I think about it in terms of competencies developed in the absence or presence of parents."

"Donna's decision to go back to school and then to take a position as an ESL teacher caused drastic changes in the routines of her son and daughter. She worked only four hours a day, Monday through Friday, but she had to leave for work right after her son's wake up time. (Her 14 year old daughter left for the school bus before her son woke up.) Her 11 year old son had to make his breakfast, set the alarm, lock the house, and get himself to the bus all on his own.  He was only in fifth grade. Her friends couldn't believe she would let him do this, but Donna felt he was mature enough to handle it."

I hope you find these quotes and anecdotes as inspiring and instructive as I do. This wisdom could only come from moms who have lived through a return to work - no sugar-coating here! For more advice and information about returning to work after a career break, consult the resources at iRelaunch.com

 

Carol Fishman Cohen is a globally recognized expert on career-reentry strategy. She is co-author of Back on the Career Track: A Guide for Stay-at-Home Moms Who Want to Return to Work and co-founder of iRelaunch (www.iRelaunch.com), the leading and most comprehensive career reentry resource for employers, individuals, universities, and professional organizations. Carol is a past presenter at the NMSN Military Spouse Career Summit and the MOAA Spouse Symposium. iRelaunch programs and presentations have reached 15,000 people since 2006. Contact: [email protected].

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